Sen. John McCain announced that he will name an 18-year-old from South Dakota as his secretary of defense should he win the presidential election in November. The move comes as the Republican nominee continues to make a play for a new block of voters who might not normally be drawn to a ticket whose leader reminds many teenagers of the crotchety, elderly neighbor down the street who has been constantly yelling for them to get off his lawn. The presumptive secretary of defense and recent Vermillion High School graduate, Dillon Matthew Cooper, made an overt grab for teenage voters in his first public appearance yesterday. Standing alongside Senator McCain and dressed in baggy jeans, a "HACKERS HALL OF FAME" T-shirt, and a McCain-Palin campaign button, the lanky Mr. Cooper paid homage to his unsuccessful run for class president last year. He promised "all the misfits who showed such determination and grace in voting for me" that there is a free iPhone waiting for them "if they voted for this white-haired dude next to me." Mr. Cooper, who describes himself as a conservative gambler on college football games, added, without much fervor: "It was rightfully noted among my classmates last year that I am a bit of a loser. But it turns out the losers of America aren’t finished yet and we can shatter those winners once and for all!" If there were any doubts that Mr. McCain intended to exploit the fact that his nominee for secretary of defens ...
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